Raising my children as a single parent was not easy. They were hurting and so was I. We would have conversations about what was happening and why their biological father was not with us. Explaining to two little toddlers was heart breaking and at the same time healing.

One thing I kept doing was protecting. I mean false protection. I protected my children from knowing things about their father and I protected their father as well. I had done it for so long that only the Lord could release me from the fear that made me do it. I was scared my children would be hurt and disappointed if they knew their father was an intimidator. Some how I forgot that they already knew. We all lived with him, not just me and though they were only little they weren't without effects.

I never really told the truth about my ex partners out bursts and stand over tactics, I protected him because he didn't want others to know what he was really like. The truth is every body knew what he was like, it was obvious to every one else and it was only me under his intimidating control.

Walking a life in fear and pain is detrimental to your self esteem and your ability to really live. Your self esteem gets such a hammering because men like this are never satisfied with any effort that you put in. You don't live because you're so worried about your partners feelings and so controlled by their reactions. Some how we lose ourselves and our ability to discern truth and reality from fear and irrational behaviour.

During the first and second years after my separation, I was continually harassed, our car tyres slashed and threats on our lives at times were a daily occurrence. He was bent on seeing us suffer. His possessions were no longer under his control. He was vulnerable and insecure and he was out for revenge. I never told the children who did these things, I covered because I was protecting. Even with frequent visits from the police I still covered.

Then one day the Lord asked me why I was covering and I said that I wanted to protect my children. God's love filled me and He said that protecting my children was His job and that I should no longer cover up or lie to them. I was still protecting my ex partners behavior with out even realising. This kind of protection breeds lies and deceit. God wants our lives full of truth and freedom.

The final time the car tyres were slashed was in our front yard. As we walked out to go to church we noticed the flat tyres. The children were taken back with shock. I turned to my eldest and said, "do you know who did this to our car?" He knew, he answered, "my dad." I didn't have to say a word.

Our children are the Lords and he will allow them the insight into right and wrong. It was never my place to protect or cover up. Our children often know more than we realize.